Strugglesofhealing

Nothing I had done could have prepared me for the next life event that struck me after my divorce. Spending time with people you thought you could trust, to being taken advantage of by two men who had planned this from the beginning of the night. Waking up in and out of consciousness to my disbelief I was being tossed and turned and taken advantage of in more ways than you can even begin to imagine. I asked myself how I ended up there. What could I have done to prevent this from happening? Looking back now I realized that I couldn't have done a thing. Whatever happened was going to happen. Being drugged and putting myself to sleep. Thinking I was in a safe place and in a safe environment to let my hair down. You know have a few drinks with friends. To be interrogated, drug out of the house in front of people you thought you could trust in just a sheet. Arriving at a Police station being asked 1,000?'s. What I remembered. Did I know them, where did they go? I never thought that being a victim of rape would make me the guilty one and need to prove my innocence. Never did I ever think that I would get looked down upon as if I brought this on myself, A woman Police officer at that. I was taken to a nearby hospital, by a random woman that showed up a the police station and escorted me to the trial of guilt,Not exactly fully understand how this all even happened.me. I have no idea who she was. I entered her car still confused wrapped up in just a sheet. I arrived at the hospital and walked in, and they had me sit down on this cold table and wait. never did I ever feel so alone. The looks the stairs and all the questions. Do you know these people, can you describe to us what happened, so we know what test to perform? The fear that consumed me. All I could think was how did I get here? How did this happen, why did it happen to me? I had a few drinks with "friends" I started to feel tired and told everyone good night. I went to bed alone. I woke up to a man taking advantage of me. I passed back out of consciousness to be woken up again by a different man also taking advantage of me. My savior, my sister came and tried to get in the room. The door was locked, and a treadmill was jammed against the other door to the room. When she finally busted into the room I was shaken and woke up and was being asked what was going on. Still to this day, I do not remember the exact details of everything that happened that night in S.C. I do remember, I was a victim. Shame on you Detective for making me look like I asked for this. Shame on you for not listening to me. Shame on you for not doing more. I left that morning feeling broken, lost, confused, and dirty. You made me feel like I asked for this. Because of you, my rapist walked free. The shame and the guilt I felt within my soul still haunt me to this day. The trauma you ask, comes from many different paths. If you are a victim of rape please know that it is not your fault. Please understand that no matter the situation your voice needs to be heard. Don't be afraid to speak up and speak out against what happened to you. I never wanted to leave a state faster. I never wanted to go back to S.C. It took me a long time to return, but I did. I had to learn how to listen to that inner voice and listen to the woman inside who felt shameful and as if it was my fault. I heard her! It was not my fault and I know I can not change the outcome, I just want to be able to speak about what happened to me and to hopefully help you find your voice and speak about your trauma. No one should ever be made to feel less than or feel guilty for someone else's poor decisions. You matter!

Trauma, I have experienced a lot in this lifetime, it took me until I was in my later 30s to understand that the trauma that I endured in this period helped build me into the woman I am today, but it also kept me from growing and finding the love that I lost for myself many years ago. 

 The first memory I can truly say I recall was when I was around the age 4. I lived in this duplex housing community. In the center of the houses was a big field. I was but a couple feet tall and everything around me was so big. I remember the smell of fresh cut grass in the air, the flickers of the lights around me. The sounds of other little kids running and playing. I remember asking my mom for a jar.  I remember seeing her walk into the house and come back out with a baby food jar to be exact. I looked up at her and took off running into the yard. I reached the middle of the yard and waited until I seen a firefly light up. I took off chasing that little

Healing is like dancing, just go with the flow and let out all emotions that comes naturally Just like those next dance moves.

Where do I even begin, I am not very good at describing who I am.  So, as I write I will let you try to see my sense of humor. Quirkiness weirdness, but none the less my heart and how I enjoy helping those who have been lost and are trying to find their way.  Life hasn't been the easiest for me. Those paths I was talking about in my intro.  Yeah, those choices.  As I scratch my head and say yeah that sucked, I wouldn't change a thing.  I started my journey into this world on a summer day in July.  I was the first of many things for my parents. Thier first child, first daughter. I am sure, I was nothing short of smiles and coos all of my days. (insert funny face). I have been told many stories from my childhood. I was nothing short of a wild child on a mission. I was curious about life around me.  I have seen the pictures of me playing in the pots and pans.  The glimpses of what my parents seen firsthand of my mischievous endeavors.  I love hearing about how I was allergic to milk, and my ears swelled up like dumbo the elephant. How I would pick my aunt Carla's flowers and put them behind my ear. So many stories and paths that were chosen for me before I could even speak.  Life, its what me make of it.  Well at least that is what I have been told.